I feel like dying.
I feel like I’m losing it. I skipped class today for no reason, and even though I have 9-12 pages due Thursday, I haven’t begun writing any of it yet. I’m sitting in the student lounge not doing jack shit except listening to music, going on tumblr, playing games, watching Doctor Who, and trying to reach out to whoever will listen. I desperately need to take a shower and put away my clothes but I can’t make myself want to enough. I feel like crying and I want to forget all of this but I can’t figure out how to make that happen. I want this feeling to be gone, I really need this feeling to be gone. I just want to be okay again. I want to be stable and normal and not have thoughts of blood and slicing and pills and alcohol and blankness. I want to sleep forever. I want to go to the beach and have a tv show moment where the wind is blowing and an indie folk song is playing in the background and something big happens in my head and I’m happy again. I want to be surrounded by my friends having a good time, laughing till I cry. I want to be happy again damnit. Why is it so fucking hard for me just to be happy? The amount of text I’ve written in these emo ass posts throughout the day are enough at least for the 3 page paper that’s due Thursday. My priorities are so fucked up and I just cannot make myself care enough. I love Jonathan and I miss him and I want him here and I envy him for having friends that want to be around him enough to request it and actually follow through with it. I miss everything and I hate everything and I want to set fire to everything. Nothing is helping, not even Doctor Who is helping and I’m feeling myself slipping deeper and deeper into this depression and I do not know what to do. I want some validation about this but I know that nobody is going to see this because this is my private blog. I could’ve put this on my normal one but I’ve posted so many fucking emo posts that I feel like I’d just be the most annoying person in the world if I did. I hate this I hate this I hate this I just want it to be over please. Please I just want this to be over.
